See also: Pocahontas (Golden), Pocahontas (Mondo TV), Pocahontas (Dingo Pictures), Young Pocahontas

Not to be confused with a much better franchise

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Disney counterpart Pocahontas
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In 1994, James Cameron wrote an 80-page script that everyone told him was amazing, but could never be produced. In 2009, the technology needed to make the film finally came into existence. Unfortunately, the movie turned out to not be nearly as amazing as it was fifteen years ago. Granted, it had undergone some retooling since then, but you'd think it'd have turned out better than:


Everybody knows it, and everybody has made the comparison. It couldn't be more obvious that Avatar is nothing more than a Pocahontas clone. But hey, it's all good. Avatar has a famous director, state-of-the-art special effects, and it looks really cool in 3D. That magically makes all its flaws disappear! Imagine if Battlefield Earth had special effects like that, it would have been awesome! ...No, not really. A polished turd is still a turd, and Avatar is no exception. But even so, people went to see it, enough so to make it one of the highest-grossing movies of all time. And that's why it's getting sequels (that are taking fucking forever), a theme park attraction (courtesy of the exact people it's ripping off), and even more toys and merchandise to shill. Because, let's be honest, that's all Avatar is really about in the end: selling shit.

Plot Summary

Disney Formula
Hero/Heroine John Smith Jake Sully
Main Character Goal To convince the Native Americans Na'vi to move so the settlers RDA can get the gold unobtanium
Deceased Parent(s)
Love Interest Pocahontas Neytiri
Parent or Mentor Grandmother Willow Mo'at
Villain Governor Ratcliffe Colonel Miles Quaritch
Villain's Sidekick
Opening Narration – the Earth has gone to shit, humanity needs gold unobtanium for some reason, and the New World Pandora has a lot of it.
Catalyst Quaritch sends Jake down in an Avatar body
Journey Begins Jake has to learn to blend in with the natives
Meet Cute Neytiri saves Jake from a wild animal, and proceeds to demean him
Harrowing Scene
Romantic Moment Jake and Neytiri mate for life
Preclimax Jake tames a Toruk, and rallies the Na'vi to fight back
Climax Neytiri rides a Pandoran beast while fighting Quaritch in a mech suit. Neytiri wins. Then Neytiri helps Jake get oxygen.
Happy Ending Jake's soul is permanently transferred into the Avatar body.
Opening Number
"I Want" Song
Sidekick Song
Villain Song
Romance Song
Award Bait Song "I See You"

In 2154
We travelled outer space
To mine some unobtanium
And save the human race

Pandora's like nothing before
Yeah it's a really swell place
And loaded with just what we need
To save the human race
And loaded with just what we need
To save the human race

The Resources Development Administration, RDA for short, is after the unobtanium (snicker) located under the Hometree on Pandora. Only problem is, there's a group of natives living there, and they're kind of in the way. And it's not like there are any other ways of getting at the unobtanium (snicker) in this futuristic world. So, they gotta send someone down in remote-controlled "Avatar" bodies to convince the natives to move. But, one of the guys they wanted for the project died, so they had to get his paraplegic twin brother Jake Sully instead. He was onboard as soon as he found out the Avatar body has a pair of working legs. I can't think of a single way this plan could possibly backfire.

In the hometree of Pandora
That serves as the Na'vi base
There's unobtanium
And other wonders everyplace

With a nugget for my Nora
While we share a sweet embrace
And all the rest will go
To the future of the human race
It's glory, God, unobtanium
And saving the human race

After some mishaps with the wildlife, Jake meets Neytiri. They seem to hit it off pretty well (sarcasm). Somehow, Jake convinces the Na'vi (who can somehow speak English) to help teach him their ways.

Steady as the beating drum
Sing to the candea flute
Seasons go and seasons come
Bring and bear banana fruit

O Great Eywa, hear our song
Help us keep the ancient ways
Keep the sacred fire strong
Walk in balance all our days

Seasons go and seasons come
Steady as the beating drum
We will live 'till we succumb
Steady as the beating drum

And so, once Jake's human body wakes up and explains that he's among the Na'vi tribe, that starts his life of doing only one thing: learn the ways of the Na'vi. And so we get a really long sequence of him doing just that. It includes a scene where Jake and Neytiri have hair sex. It makes just as much sense in context.

You think you own whatever world you land on
Pandora's just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the viperwolf cry to Polyphemus
Or whether we are white or azure-skinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the Hometree?
Can you ride the scarlet banshee on the wind?

And then the RDA attacks the Hometree to get at the unobtanium (snicker). And when the Na'vi find out what Jake was there to do all along, they aren't happy. Needless to say, interracial relations get even worse than they already were.

This is what we feared
The sky people are demons
The only thing they feel at all is greed

Beneath that milky hide
There's emptiness inside
I wonder if they even bleed?

They're savages, savages
Barely even human
Savages, savages
Killers at the core

They're different from us
Which means they can't be trusted
We must sound the drums of war

And like idiots, the RDA stick around to fight the Na'vi, even though they no longer have a reason to stick around now that they got what they came for. Jake redeems himself in the eyes of the Na'vi in a way that really shouldn't count as redeeming himself, and leads them in the fight against the RDA. Even the wildlife decide to join in. And this leads into a scene that in no way resembles the battle for Endor from Return of the Jedi in any way.

Neytiri mounts a thanator, Quaritch gets a robot suit, and they re-enact the climax from Aliens. Jake falls out of his capsule, and Neytiri helps him get an oxygen mask. Most of the RDA pack their things and go, while the few humans the Na'vi like get to stay.

The movie ends with Jake's soul being transferred into his Avatar body. Somehow.

If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as this gag
Man, it's such a drag
So glad it's over
If I never knew blue





Avatar Land

Avatar Land concept

In a bizarre turn of events, Disney themselves decided to devote an entire section of their own park to Avatar. They call it "Pandora—The World of AVATAR", but let's just call it Avatar Land for the sake of simplicity.

It's interesting to note that Disney parks featured attractions based on Star Wars and Indiana Jones long before Disney bought Lucasfilm. Hmm, I wonder...